Captain's Log: Day 4 Post-BotBall
It rained today. How do I know? The pitter patter of droplets drumming against the walls? That slight musty smell the air outside gets when a front is moving in? Perhaps a weather app warning me of moderate to severe showers all day?
Nope, I woke up with the windows open.
And to be more specific, by that I mean there are gaping holes where windows used to be. My windows are straight up gone.
Let's be clear, I could indeed hear rain hitting the walls, of every room my apartment.
Now yes, that ignores the laundry room and bathroom but those are the two rooms that actually are meant to deal with moisture so all things considered I would rather that they be the ones affected.
Anyway, the deluge must have been going on for a while because that musty outside smell was permeating my entire residence after having lord knows how long to waft in and then make the carpet and sofa get sopping wet and reek of damp animals. Or maybe that last smell was the actual moist Raccoon hanging out on said soggy couch.
As for the weather app? Well that was a no go seeing how my phone APPARENTLY got unplugged during the night and died because this feral ringtailed jackass apparently has an "iron deficiency" and rather than helping himself to my vitamins after already hoarding my medicine cabinet multiple times (not even cleaning up after himself I might add) he figured that the chord for my phone charger was the logical solution.
Before you ask, no, he didn't simply chew through it, nibble at the insulating coating simply exposing bare wire lending any glimmer of hope to finangle it into giving the slightest bit of juice. No, after waking up to a loud blast of thunder echoing through the nature preserve out back and taking quick notice of rain rocketing sideways into my room while the wind howled by like a banshee that stubbed its toe and has a propensity to play up minor discomfort in a ploy for attention and pity I shot out of bed and ran to the living room only to see him literally eating the USB-C like a fucking slim jim.
"Lovely day we're having isn't it"
"Well, uh, as much as I like the rain I, you know, prefer when it stays outside."
"Well while you were sleeping last night I heard you say 'juuuuust a bit outside' so I figured you wanted to get some of that swampy ambiance up in here so I obliged, plus it is kinda nice to get the aroma of the woods back in the old schnoz after being cooped up in here for so long"
I shouldn't have to explain the multiple faults within that logic. Something tells me it wasn't worth my time then or now, call it a hunch.
I feel the need to note that as I am writing this I am becoming acutely aware of the fact that my room was locked both last night and when I woke up, so I don't know if he used those nimble mitts of his to pick the lock or if he just used the distinct lack of windows to crawl in and out like the furry burgler he is, but neither option has me feeling terribly plussed. Anway much like my windows that's neither here nor there.
"If I did say that I think you misunderstood what I was talking about... And the windows have, er, had the ability to just open. Plus you know I have a porch, right?"
"No shit dumbass, but it's raining outside"
"But it's covered... and the windows... and you were the one who..."
Honestly I am just as flabbergasted recounting this as I was then.
"Jesus, you love to complain don't you, a Raccoon tries to do something nice and this is how he is treated? No wonder you're single"
Am I wrong in thinking that was uncalled for? It hardly even had time to sink in before a flash of lightning illuminated by all too accessible back yard immediately followed by a ground shaking crack of thunder which rocked the apartment startling me to say the least.
"OH GOD! Um, do you have a phone or something I could borrow?"
Yes, I am aware of what I asked.
"I'm a fucking Raccoon, what the hell do YOU think?"
Regardless of the fact that in the moment I just wanted to call emergency maintenance because the front ffice is closed on Sunday, the sheer stupidity does mean that response was probably not unwarranted despite my intention
Realizing the sentence I had just uttered and the fact I could just charge my phone in the car on the way to buy a new wall charger I lowered my head in shame and shuffled off to get some trash bags and tape to cover up the holes in my walls and try to mitigate the ever increasing water damage.
The worst part of this fiasco is now I don't even want to call Animal Control until I dont have multiple easy points of access directly back into this place. I don't even know how to begin explaining this to maintenance either. I will have to get some caffeine and meditate on it when I get back from the store and try to figure out a plausible excuse.
But for real, what the hell did he DO with my windows? Seriously, the blinds, glass, screens, even the FRAMES are gone.